I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
