just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
