So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
