The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
