take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
