he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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