I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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