i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
