Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
