The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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