I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
