THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
