idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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