I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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