xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
