I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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