It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize