ya dads aren't the best wingmen
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
