are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
