bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
