So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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