i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize