Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We are all done wearing pants today
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
