Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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