i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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