i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
