I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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