I puked a lego.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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