I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
