I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
