so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
