All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
