I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
