That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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