mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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