In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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