I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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