sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
