arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
