Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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