the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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