Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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