my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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