i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
