Three words: puerto rican gang bang
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
