was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I just put wine in my tea
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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