i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
