The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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