I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
