u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
