can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
