i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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