i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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